In a funk

As I wrote earlier in the week, Kayla had her last scheduled chemotherapy treatment on Monday.  You would have thought that it would have been a great week.  We could go back to our normal routine until her next follow-up visit on December 3rd.  We’d all be in a celebratory mood.  Yay!  Kayla is done with chemotherapy!  This challenging, nightmarish journey is over!

But I’ve struggled this week.  I’m having a hard time focusing at work.  I can’t even get excited about things that I’m normally passionate about, like healthy eating, and working out, and reading. I feel like I’ve just been going through the motions most of the time.  I wouldn’t exactly call it a feeling of depression, but I’ve definitely been feeling lost and a bit blue.

Why do I feel like this?  I should feel happy and grateful!  And then I talked to my husband and oldest daughter on Friday night and they said they feel the same way.  We realized that until we find out that Kayla is cancer-free, that no more treatment is required, we will have constant worry and fear in our minds.  It will be hard to live our lives normally until we know for sure what’s going on with Kayla.

I think (and hope) that this will get better over time.  Yesterday was Halloween, and it was a really great day.  I started off with a full body massage at a salon, which I’ve never had before.  It was wonderful!  Kayla and I had lunch and then we carved pumpkins, which we haven’t done in several years!  We put up some Halloween decorations in the yard and I roasted pumpkin seeds.  We had quite a few trick-or-treaters, which was nice because we usually don’t get many.  And then after dinner, my husband, Kayla and I watched the new Poltergeist movie.  It was scary good!

Today Kayla and I are having Indian food for lunch and going shopping.  Girls’ day out!  Haven’t had one of those in a while!

Maybe this is the start of things feeling back to normal.

Courage for Kayla!

10 thoughts on “In a funk

  1. Tammy, I understand to some degree how you are feeling. When I had a cancer scare of my own back in 1992, I was so terrified during the testing and treatment phases, waiting for the test results, getting surgery etc. Even though it was scary and awful, we were so busy seeing doctors and doing what had to be done..then afterward we were left with “real life” now that it was over. My dx turned out to be benign but I had follow-ups for many years because my type of tumor had a strong reoccurrence rate and often turned malignant. Anyway, my point was, we had something to *do,* something to focus on, and then when that part was over we were just left with the fear, anxiety and worry..and waiting.
    I know you’ll get through this as a family, stronger than ever, but this part is hard. You still have a great support system, including those who have never met you but send prayers every day. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Michele-
      Thank you for sharing that. It helps to know that I’m not alone and that what my family and I are feeling isn’t unusual. We will get through this. It will just take time and we just have to stay strong for a bit longer. Hugs to you for being here for me! I hope to meet you in person one day, my friend! ❤


  2. I think you’re afraid of being happy because you don’t know what will happen on December 3rd. It’s like you’re in limbo, in a way, while waiting to get the “final” results. I wish I had the right words or wisdom, but I don’t even know if there is such a thing. Just know that so many are thinking about, praying for, and loving you and your family so much! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Laura, I think you’re right. It’s like another friend said, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think that’s why I also haven’t been able to get into a running or workout routine. Part of me thinks that as soon as I find my rhythm again, something will happen and I’ll have to give it up again. It’s definitely not a fun time right now. December 3rd can’t come soon enough, that’s for sure. Thank you for all of your support through all of this. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m sure you will face these new fears with the same courage you already showed during this horribly ” busy” time, you’re not lost, you just have to refocus on your life… And waiting is just so hard, but stay positive and enjoy these almost normal days with your family. You’re always in my thoughts ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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