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Pity party

Our 3-day weekend ended up being a one-day weekend on Saturday with the rest of the holiday weekend spent in the hospital.  On Sunday morning, Kayla fainted after waking up with a fever.  She was taken by ambulance to the ER and was admitted.

Today is Tuesday and she is still in the hospital.  Her fever is gone, but Oncology wants to know why she fainted.  They are worried about seizures.  An MRI of her brain showed a suspicious “spot” and discussion of possible blood clot or tumor were thrown around.  Luckily, a second MRI came out normal.  Neurology is spending a lot of time with Kayla today to determine whether or not it was a seizure on Sunday.  She lost bladder control during her fainting spell, which was a bit scary.  Also, this is the second time she has fainted since she started chemotherapy.

I’m at home right now after wearing the same clothes for three days straight.  I’m exhausted, but as soon as I write this blog, I’m going to shower and put on some clean clothes and head back to the hospital.  I’m so sick of that place.  We were supposed to be home this week.  I was supposed to be back at work.  Kayla was supposed to be resting in her own bed.

I’m having quite the pity party for me, my husband, and Kayla right now.  I’m so angry for Kayla.  It sucks that she has to deal with all of this.  It sucks that all of her friends are away at school.  It sucks that she sits in a hospital room all day, bored out of her mind.  I can tell that she hates all of this, but she rarely complains.

So I’ll complain for her.  Sorry, but I have to get this off my chest.

We’re tired of eating cafeteria food and take-out from local restaurants.

We’re tired of watching TV.

We’re tired of sleeping in hospital beds and recliners.

We’re tired of doctors and nurses poking and prodding, asking the same questions over and over.

We’re tired of “possible” diagnoses that scare the hell out of us, make us sick with worry, and then fill us with relief when they turn out to not be true.  Why even bring shit like this up until you know for sure?

We’re tired of pills, injections, and IVs.

We’re tired of always trying to be positive, always trying to put on a brave front.

We’re tired of the unfairness of it all.  We just this nightmare to be done and over.  Can we please go back to a normal, healthy life?

We’re sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Rant over.

Courage for Kayla.

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