As I write this, Kayla is still laying in a hospital bed, 6 days after her surgery. Her stay at the hospital was only supposed to be 3-4 days. Her recovery has been riddled with complications:
-Delirium from being over-medicated because of her severe pain and nausea
It would be easy to get angry with the medical team, but I can’t. They have been nothing but wonderful and attentive and caring. It was a very invasive surgery, it was the second invasive surgery she’s had in just a few weeks’ span of time, and her young, strong, healthy body is just not used to being this sick and being on so many medications.
I am, however, pissed. I’m pissed at God, Fate, Karma, or whoever the hell is in charge of my daughter’s life. Why her? What has she done to deserve this pain and suffering? It’s bad enough that she was diagnosed with cancer and her life has been turned upside down, but then she has to have these complications from her surgery? WHY?
Although I have been posting Kayla’s updates on Facebook and it’s been wonderful to see how everyone is showing their love and support for our family, I had to stop looking at Facebook for the time being. It hurts to see how our lives have been turned upside down, while everyone else gets to move on with their daily lives. The pictures of vacations, get-togethers, Bix pictures, friends’ running workouts…..I ache for these things. I just want things to be normal for all of us again. I want Kayla to feel healthy and go out with her friends and have fun. I want to go on runs. I want to go out with David and have a nice dinner without having to worry about getting back to the hospital, or wondering how Kayla is feeling. I want a full night’s sleep.
I want this all to be over. I want Kayla to be healthy and well, to be a normal 19-year-old again.
But this nightmare that we’re in is only beginning. And I’m pissed as hell.
The encouraging news is that despite all of these things, Kayla is getting closer to going home. Her pain is better. The awful hallucinations and delirium that she was having have passed. She is still battling nausea and a horrible headache, but the doctors are working on fixing this and my hope is that by tomorrow, we will see my baby smile again because she is feeling better.
I’m trying to figure out a healthy way to channel my anger because right now I want to scream and punch something. Instead, I’m using the anger to stay strong because I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread. When I feel like breaking down and losing hope, I channel the anger I have and fight through.
This sucks and it’s not fair. But what can we do? These are the cards we have been dealt; it’s a shitty hand, but we just have to bluff our way through until a better hand is dealt to us.
Our family, our friends, our love, our strength, our ANGER – together, whatever it takes, we will fight with Kayla and beat this cancer.