Imperfections

Disclaimer:  This isn’t going to be my typical upbeat, inspirational, motivational blog where I talk about how great my workouts are going or how delicious my vegan dinner was last night.

No, instead I’m going to whine a bit.  I know, I know.  I’m sorry.  No one wants to listen to me whine.  But listen, if I’m going to talk about how great being a vegan is, and how awesome running is, I think I also need to be honest and talk about the not-go-great stuff, too.  I’m human, just like everyone else, and I have lots of imperfections.  And my life is definitely not perfect.  I have shitty days just like everyone else.  Living a healthy lifestyle doesn’t automatically make you immune to bad days, bad moods, or stressful situations.

First of all, let me just tell you that the weather has been really crappy here in the last five days.  It has been raining every day since Sunday, and we have not seen the sun here in my part of the world since Saturday.  It’s the first day of May and yet I really don’t feel like spring has arrived.  Mother Nature just hates us.  I mean, who can blame her?  When you look at the history of mankind and how we’ve abused our planet, it’s no wonder that karma is finally getting back at us.  Boo.

Which brings me to my next issue: I became vegan because I didn’t want to take part in hurting any more animals.  And yet, everyday I’m bombarded with stories of abused animals, atrocious conditions at factory farms, etc., and I just feel this HUGE sadness.  It’s this feeling of hopelessness, like things will never change, no matter what I do, and I don’t know how to cope.  It’s because of my sensitivity that I can be a kind, empathetic person, but it’s also this sensitivity that overwhelms me sometimes to the point where I want to scream or just run away to a deserted island where I don’t have to deal with it anymore.

I think it would help if I had others around me who felt the same way I do.  But I don’t.  I talk with people through social media, but I don’t have anyone in my circle of family and friends who I see on a regular basis that I can talk to, or share vegan meals with, or share the same views with.  As I mentioned before, being vegan can be very lonely and isolating.  I’ve been a vegan for over four years, and I have no intentions of changing the way I eat or live, but it still sucks that I have to do it by myself.  I keep hoping it will get easier with time.  Regardless, it’s worth it because I feel good about what I’m doing.

Finally, this is our youngest daughter’s senior year.  It’s a time of mixed emotions, tons of activities, and a graduation party to plan for.  It’s only a few short weeks away!  No wonder I’m feeling stressful!  We’ll get through it, though.

Unfortunately, though, we have to get through it without my mother-in-law.  Her name was Ellen, and she passed away from cancer about 13 years ago.  She was the mom I always wished I’d had.  My own mother and I aren’t close; in fact, we haven’t spoken in about two years (another story for another time perhaps).  I know that Ellen and I would have spoken on the phone or e-mailed daily about graduation party plans; she would have been really proud and excited for our daughters’ accomplishments and would have been there every step of the way.  She’d be totally supportive of my diet and my running accomplishments.  I miss her.  And frankly, I’m a bit pissed and extremely sad that she can’t be here with us.  It’s just not fair.

These are the things that have been weighing on my mind this week.  It’s a funk that I know is temporary and I’ll get through it, and I’ll be back to my cheerful, optimistic, energetic self.  For now, though, I have to just ride it out.  Let it be what it is.  Accept the fact that I’m not going to be perfect, that every day isn’t going to be perfect.  Life is full of imperfections.  I just have to get through them and then savor those moments of perfection, which I can honestly say I have a lot of.

Just not this week.