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Imperfections

Disclaimer:  This isn’t going to be my typical upbeat, inspirational, motivational blog where I talk about how great my workouts are going or how delicious my vegan dinner was last night.

No, instead I’m going to whine a bit.  I know, I know.  I’m sorry.  No one wants to listen to me whine.  But listen, if I’m going to talk about how great being a vegan is, and how awesome running is, I think I also need to be honest and talk about the not-go-great stuff, too.  I’m human, just like everyone else, and I have lots of imperfections.  And my life is definitely not perfect.  I have shitty days just like everyone else.  Living a healthy lifestyle doesn’t automatically make you immune to bad days, bad moods, or stressful situations.

First of all, let me just tell you that the weather has been really crappy here in the last five days.  It has been raining every day since Sunday, and we have not seen the sun here in my part of the world since Saturday.  It’s the first day of May and yet I really don’t feel like spring has arrived.  Mother Nature just hates us.  I mean, who can blame her?  When you look at the history of mankind and how we’ve abused our planet, it’s no wonder that karma is finally getting back at us.  Boo.

Which brings me to my next issue: I became vegan because I didn’t want to take part in hurting any more animals.  And yet, everyday I’m bombarded with stories of abused animals, atrocious conditions at factory farms, etc., and I just feel this HUGE sadness.  It’s this feeling of hopelessness, like things will never change, no matter what I do, and I don’t know how to cope.  It’s because of my sensitivity that I can be a kind, empathetic person, but it’s also this sensitivity that overwhelms me sometimes to the point where I want to scream or just run away to a deserted island where I don’t have to deal with it anymore.

I think it would help if I had others around me who felt the same way I do.  But I don’t.  I talk with people through social media, but I don’t have anyone in my circle of family and friends who I see on a regular basis that I can talk to, or share vegan meals with, or share the same views with.  As I mentioned before, being vegan can be very lonely and isolating.  I’ve been a vegan for over four years, and I have no intentions of changing the way I eat or live, but it still sucks that I have to do it by myself.  I keep hoping it will get easier with time.  Regardless, it’s worth it because I feel good about what I’m doing.

Finally, this is our youngest daughter’s senior year.  It’s a time of mixed emotions, tons of activities, and a graduation party to plan for.  It’s only a few short weeks away!  No wonder I’m feeling stressful!  We’ll get through it, though.

Unfortunately, though, we have to get through it without my mother-in-law.  Her name was Ellen, and she passed away from cancer about 13 years ago.  She was the mom I always wished I’d had.  My own mother and I aren’t close; in fact, we haven’t spoken in about two years (another story for another time perhaps).  I know that Ellen and I would have spoken on the phone or e-mailed daily about graduation party plans; she would have been really proud and excited for our daughters’ accomplishments and would have been there every step of the way.  She’d be totally supportive of my diet and my running accomplishments.  I miss her.  And frankly, I’m a bit pissed and extremely sad that she can’t be here with us.  It’s just not fair.

These are the things that have been weighing on my mind this week.  It’s a funk that I know is temporary and I’ll get through it, and I’ll be back to my cheerful, optimistic, energetic self.  For now, though, I have to just ride it out.  Let it be what it is.  Accept the fact that I’m not going to be perfect, that every day isn’t going to be perfect.  Life is full of imperfections.  I just have to get through them and then savor those moments of perfection, which I can honestly say I have a lot of.

Just not this week.

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10 thoughts on “Imperfections

  1. I’m very sorry that you’re having such a tough time at the moment. Are there any vegan organizations where you live that you could connect with other like-minded people?

    I really believe that we are in the midst of a great shift in attitudes. Every day, I see evidence of more awareness and change. Just the other day, I saw a video of the Today Show (I think it was, I don’t watch it) where they were do a “meatless” taste test. I don’t think you would have seen that anywhere even FIVE years ago, do you?

    I’m one of those people who is so angered and deeply wounded by what animals go through – I literally pray when I see animal trucks carting their victims off to slaughter. I have embraced the vegan lifestyle only recently, but I can’t watch the films, or look at the images; I just can’t do it, or it will haunt my nights and days. I can’t even imagine hitting a squirrel with my car.

    We have to know that everything we do in our own lives contributes to this revolution. I really believe it is coming. It may not be entirely for the animals well-being – it may very well be motivated by self-preservation and health reasons, but it IS coming.

    Be proud that you are a part of this movement. One day people will look back and think on meat-eating the same way they do about smoking god-awful cigarettes.

    I have vegan friends, but I’m fortunate that my husband is just as passionate about this as I am. Both of us feel marginalized – no kids, religious and vegan! Good luck!

    Feel free to visit me.

    Kat

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    1. Kat – I think you’re right. The shift is coming. I can feel it, too. You’re fortunate that you have a husband who is vegan. My husband is very supportive of me, but he has no desire go vegan or give up meat. Maybe one day. 🙂

      Your comment is just what I needed to lift my spirits! Thank you!!!!

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      1. Tempt him with some great vegan dishes, but don’t let on. Try the hash-recipe I made last week (see my sidebar). My husband LOVED it!
        We live with my 85 year old mom, who eats meat and that’s a challenge. She doesn’t even like my vegan baking!

        I’m glad I could give you a boost.

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  2. I’m sorry you’re having a difficult week. You know I can relate on the no vegan friends/family situation. While my husband will eat (and love!) what I make, he will NEVER give up meat. Thankfully, there’s such a huge support online that we can be part of 🙂 Sending big cyber hugs your way!

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  3. It’s a pain in the butt to be isolated as you are. Believe me, I KNOW. My birthday is coming up in the next several weeks, and I am going to invite my ladies’ group to a restaurant that has both vegan and non-vegan dishes so I can actually go out for a meal with them. Usually they go to places where there is nothing for me to eat. Sigh. And my mother? Died a year ago. Didn’t speak to her for many, many years beforehand and when she died all I felt was, well, vindicated. Just because someone is your mom doesn’t mean they have the right to treat you badly. I saw mine about a year before she died. I was always the fat kid growing up. She was now fatter than I ever was as a young adult. I am thin now–I’d still like to fit into the clothes she wore at her thinnest–size 4? She saw me in plain view. And as the Italians say: Revenge is a dish served cold.

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    1. Patricia – I’m sorry about your mom and the relationship you had with her. Sad, isn’t it? I still have a hard time swallowing the fact that my mom (and sister) seem perfectly okay with not talking to me. I’m definitely not okay with it, but it’s much better than dealing with the toxic relationship that I had with them before. Sadly, I don’t even miss them. 😦

      Also, it’s isolating enough being the only one in your social circle who is vegan, but when people find out that you don’t talk to your mom anymore? Talk about the sound of crickets…….and feeling like a complete outcast. My close friends and family get it, though. They know the scoop, and they totally understand.

      Now, I will tell you that we just sent off graduation invitations to both my mom and sister. My daughter decided that she wanted to invite them and I told her that it’s her day, whatever she wants. So……we’ll see how that pans out. I’m sure I’ll be blogging about it one way or the other! LOL

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      1. I had a mom who wasn’t really my mom. She was a wonderful person. And I have a sister who is “born again” and has become judgemental as a result. And you are right about the crickets: “But she’s your MOTHER!” You live with her now as I did back then and see what you have to say. Good for you letting her daughter making her decision even though you’re estranged from them.

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      2. I’m blessed to have a dad who I’m really close with. If it wasn’t for him, I’m not sure how my life would have turned out. I also have a wonderful husband and two AWESOME daughters. I think that it’s because of my dad that I turned out to be such a good parent. I shudder to think how it could have been otherwise. I’m lucky, and very blessed! Because of these reasons, I can face whatever happens with my mom and sister in the future. It’s nice to talk to someone who understands and has been through the same thing, though!

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